Toxicity of People Pleasing

This post is going to be a little raw.

Uncomfortable.

I was reading along in my book, almost done by the way, and I came across a scene that really hit home.

I’ve been struggling all day, debating with myself on whether or not I should even write this post.

However, after a long stroll of contemplation and hauty debate with myself, I decided this topic is important.

So here we are.

I don’t think I’ve been doing this blog long enough for anyone to be reading the books along with me, bbbuuuuttt, if anyone happens to be reading The Revolution of Marina M., then:

*Spoiler Alert.

Our protagonist, Marina, gets thrown into a Bolshevik Cheka camp for women. This is when the Cheka are killing off counterrevolutionaries and suspected bourgeoisie. Everyday the Cheka are calling names and imprisonment IDs by the thousands to be interrogated. Most of the women never come back. After weeks of withering away alongside her fellow persecuted comrades, her name is finally called.

She fatefully ends up being interrogated by an old friend.

A youthful but relentless girl by the name of Varvara.

Though, washed over by an extreme wave of relief, she is not entirely saved.

She takes refuge with her acquainted interrogator.

You find out quickly that Varvara has always loved her in a more intimate nature, than revealed in their youth.

Marina is never forced into anything.

However, she feels obligated to partake in intimate relations with Varvara. After all, she saved her from imprisonment and death! She is not into women herself, but she dismisses this fact. She owes Varvara.

She has already experienced a multitude of abuses at this point. Sex was no longer sacred or beautiful to her anyway. So what does it matter? She is numb to the experience.

I’m not saying I’ve experienced anything like this.

Not even remotely.

However, I have had certain situations happen where I felt obligated to do things I didn’t really want to for the sake of another person. Whether I felt I owed it to them, or I just felt insecure in their relationship to me, or I was haunted by my past discrepancies.

I have learned time and time again that doing things solely for others, things that could be hurtful to you, is NEVER THE ANSWER!

I was a toxic people pleaser for years. Always thinking I was doing the right thing. How could I be wrong if I’m being selfless?

There is a fine but critical line between people pleasing and being selfless.

Being selfless, in my opinion, is wanting to do something solely for someone else, while still keeping your ultimate well being in mind. You feel good about it afterward, while attaining the goal of helping someone.

People pleasing, is doing something for someone else, solely for the sake of pleasing them. Hence the name. No regard to yourself. No introspection. They just have to be happy.

Lemme repeat: PEOPLE PLEASING IS NOT THE ANSWER!

Everytime, and I mean, E-V-E-R-Y-T-I-M-E, I’ve done something I didn’t want to do for the sake of some one else, it blows up in my face. Everyone, and I mean, E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E, ends up hurt in the end.

I like to think of it this way:

You know the ole saying, “You can’t truly love someone else, unless you love yourself first”?

Well, you can’t truly help someone if you hurt yourself along the way.

If anyone out there reading this, is in a “people pleasing” situation, and feels trapped. Please know that you are not alone, and you need to get out of it. Whether you are being pushed into it, or the person you are trying to please doesn’t even know you are hurting, you need to stop. Not only for the sake of yourself, but others.

You have strength, and a heart of gold.

This too shall pass.

Thank you for reading. ❤

P.s. My posts are a little heavy and intense due to the nature of the book I am reading. I plan on picking a much lighter and jovial book next. 😂😂