Fear

“Terror stretches time- all of hell can exist in a moment.”

-The Revolution of Marina M.

-Janet Fitch

I think this line is beautiful.

I’m not sure why.

It’s not about a beautiful thing.

Or a beautiful concept.

Such a poetic way to describe fear.

Fear- such an ugly thing.

In this blog, I write about quotes and lines that take me off guard, grab my attention, make me stop. They always grip me on a personal and relatable level.

This one took my breath.

I’ve gotten into the terrible habit of letting Fear control my life.

I’ve been extremely fortunate to have not had many truly terrifying experiences. However, somewhere, somehow, I let fear creep in little by little through my anxiety and depression. Seeping into my body like a toxic gas leak.

It truly does morph your perception of time and reality as you know it.

I’m trying my hardest to combat my fears.

I hope you are too.

I hope you find healthy outlets to help you cope.

Find something that can turn the ugliness of your life, into something beautiful.

The picture above is a concept piece I made.

I had so much hurt and anxiety built up inside me, fathered by fear.

I angrily jotted down a poem to rid myself of the toxic emotions. As soon as I finished the poem, I decided I wanted to turn my ugliness into beauty.

Regain control and power.

That symbolic transformation birthed the portrait above.

It’s something just for me.

A constant reminder that I have the power to transform.

My foundations may be crude, but the finished product is beautifully me.

Fear to Love.

Terror to Beauty.

Take back your life and your time.

Thank you for reading. ❤

Brain dump #2 – Heartbeat Theory- My reminder of lifes ups and downs

Brain dump time!

This one is gonna be short and sweet.

Ironic considering how vast and complex the actual content is.

If I tried to really get into it, viz. writing down what’s in my head, it would be a jumbled mess.

So! Ima keep it tight and tidy!

*That’s what she said? 😂

*Audible caugh* …..Sorry.

I have a theory, well, it’s not really MY theory. It’s a very popular theory of the ebbs and flows of life.

I like to think that everything moves to a rhythym.

The entire universe has a steady heart beat, and our lives are thread together by a cosmic pulse.

Everything seems to cycle.

It’s important for me to remember this, especially, when I’m going through a hard time.

No matter how hard things may get or seem, I know that better times are due.

This gets me through it.

It’s not just something I tell myself to feel better. I know it to be true. I’ve lived this up and down pattern, and everytime I’m down, I try to take lessons up with me.

The important thing to remember is to enjoy your good times for all they are worth.

Bask in the sun and frolic on top of the hill before you are pushed down it.

Once I figured out this universal pattern, I got into the the terrible habit of dreading the down stroke when I was on the up stroke.

“Yeah, things are good now, but, for how long?”

That’s no way to live.

So, I changed my mind set. I like to think of it this way.

The universe only pushes us down to make us stronger and wiser. Each time standing up a better person.

No use in dreading growth.

Thank you for reading. ❤

Any thoughts?

Defense and Coping Mechanisms in Both Life and Literature.

In the book I’m currently reading, The Revolution of Marina M., the author Janet Fitch implements something I’ve never experienced in a book before.

She switches the point of view from first person, to third person, then back to first person.

The third person POV is only for a couple of chapters, and at first, I found this highly annoying.

Okay…..I was straight up pissed. Ha!

I had just spent a good five hundred pages getting used to Marina telling me her story. I had imagined we were sitting together having tea as she told me of of lust, poetry, deviance and revolution. Then naturally progress into having multiple glasses of vodka as she had me on the edge of my seat with every word….

Then what’s this?!?! Someone else takes over her story?! Nah man…..nah..

However, after just a few pages, I began to appreciate and see the beauty of this change.

More importantly, its significance.

Right before the change in point of view, Marina experiences extreme terror, pain, betrayal ,abuse and loss.

The next chapter after this horrific scene she seeks refuge at a beautiful observatory.

The story is then taken over by Marusya.

The mute and completely dilapidated shell of herself.

She is no longer Marina.

Why would she be Marina?

How could she keep being her?

No….its best to be Marusya…..

Marusya hasn’t been abandoned or abducted, raped or accused.

Marusya was the girl who spoke no words.

Didnt have to speak.

No one knew her here.

She lived a peaceful life.

Helped around the observatory and kept her hands honest in labor.

She holds onto this alter ego, no, more than an alter ego. Her mind holds onto this completely separate existence of herself for as long as it physically can. Until our poor heroine is ripped back into cold reality, away from the stary skies of the observatory.

This extreme display of how her mind had to cope with her pain and defend her last strain of sanity was….well…

Powerful.

And greatly appreciated.

Now, I have never been through anything remotely close to what our brave Russian protagonist has.

Thank God!

*No spoilers as to what happens to her. You have to read it! 😜

No no…by comparison…my life would look like rainbows and lollipops.

However, this intriguing display of escapism and borderline psychosis made me reflect on how my own mind has coped with pain.

Isn’t it funny how coping and defense mechanisms can make things better and worse at the same time. You are protecting your mind the only way you know how, yet, its only because you don’t know how or cant get out of your current situation.

I knew I didn’t want to be where I was.

Didnt want to do what I was doing.

But, I didnt know how to get out.

So I just lied to myself.

Told myself I enjoyed everything.

Told myself I was a different Haley.

I had created another version of myself to cope with my reality.

I couldn’t keep up with how fast things where spinning out of control, and quite honestly, I was too weak and tired to get myself out.

I knew the truth deep down, but lying was easier.

This was just my experience.

I guess I wanted to write about this because I find coping mechanisms and defense mechanisms to be extremely complex.

How do you feel about them?

How did they effect your life?

Are they your bitter tasting memory, or a saving grace?

I’m still confused about how I feel about my sinful alter ego, and how I dealt with her.

I guess in conclusion- it’s all grey.

Fitting really.

I dont believe in a black and white world anyways.

Thank you for reading. ❤

Brain dump #1- Life’s Quirky Glimpse- A reminder to get out of your head.

So.

I’ve decided to introduce “Brain Dumps” into my blog.

These “Brain Dumps” are going to be quick little blurbs that have nothing to do with the books I’m reading.

Just cooky little bits of my brain. 🤪

Here we go.

I love to walk.

Love. Love. Love to walk.

It gives me time to let my mind wonder while moving my body and getting my endorphins up. Fresh air in my lungs, a wee bit of sunshine, Etc.

In fact, I’ve come to my most significant realizations while walking.

Also, bonus perk, it definitely helps with my depression and anxiety.

Are you sold on walking yet? Haha

Ninety percent of the time, you will find we walking a million little circles around my “Tin Can” (which is what I lovingly call my tiny prefab home.)

I usually pound about one-six miles worth of little circles into the ground per evening. The equivalent of anywhere from thirty minutes – two hours worth of pussy footing around. *Does that count as a pun? 🤣

A lot of time spent seeing and being in the same tiny area.

The point?

When I was walking a couple of days ago I saw something that I hadn’t seen in my tiny little marching bubble before.

A WHOLE F*CKING STREET!!!

How, in the holy hell, could I have missed an entire street?

It stopped me in my tracks.

“I’ll be damned”, I thought to myself.

It was kind of camouflaged behind this chicken coop thingy and a dilapidated tear drop trailer, but still, definitely should have noticed that sucker.

What did I think was back there?

For some odd reason I just subconsciously envisioned some big ass field behind the chicken coop….thingy.

Why am I writing about this?

Well, it struck me as an important moment.

A quirky little reminder of an important life lesson I’ve been trying to practice my whole life.

Get Out of Your Head

and

Look Around You.

Now, I’m not trying to contradict myself here. I realize that earlier I had mentioned the bliss of letting my mind wonder, and that this time of reflection has indeed brought me to invaluable realizations.

However, I have the terrible habit of staying there. I constantly stay up in my own head. Walking just lets me do it without distractions, ie..work and stuff.

I constantly frett over the past and future.

Never letting myself be truly present.

Never paying attention to my life around me as its happening in the now.

Never seeing the road right in front of me.

The universe, life itself, gave me a glimpse and a reminder to be mindful.

Life is a constant balancing act, and I want to balance my introspection with my outward mindfulness.

I chose the picture with the turtle because It reminded me of a time life rewarded me for opening my eyes and being present.

I was at the lake with my mom, just blissfully taking in the air and looking at the rocks. Not a thought or care in the world. Then there he was. Cute as can be! I would have passed him up completely if I weren’t just taking in the precious moment.

Thank you for reading my brain dump.

I hope it will remind you to take a deep breath, free yourself from the imprisonment of memories and fears, and look around you.

Take in the moment. ❤

Oh….what little I know.

“I knew so little about life.”

-The Revolution of Marina M.

-Janet Fitch

So simple.

So…. very …..simple… and yet so powerful of a statement.

I think I read that line ten times over before I could move onto the next one.

Sort of hitting me between the eyes.

Everytime I think I have some sort of footing, a basic understanding of what life means, or simply just what MY life means, I get knocked off my feet.

Oh…..and oh boy …..do I know I’m not the only one!!!

Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined life to be so complex.

I’m not even middle aged yet!!!!

There is so much more of this rollercoaster I get to ride! Well….knock on wood! 🤣

So much I don’t know.

The thought of what else is out there for me and what more I will learn brings about a multitude of feelings.

A perfect storm of both overwhelming and simultaneous fear and excitement.

One emotion being stronger than the other only depending on what day it is and how I’m feeling.

This balance between fear and excitement is a life balance everyone is trying to attain, I feel.

I do not want fear to overpower my life.

I will not let fear overpower my life.

I will try my hardest to not let fear overpower my life. 😂

Life lessons I have learned, and yet, oh…what little I know.

I’ve decided I wanted to use a specific format for my blog posts.

1. Picture

2. Quote

3. Insert random thoughts and writing stuffs.

For this post I didnt know what picture to use. What kind of picture does one use for the menial understanding of life?! Hahaha

So….I went with me holding a frog.

I’m rarely symbolic.

However, it just seems appropriate, right?

A tiny fragile creature being held in the hands of a larger unknown force.

Also, on another note, catching frogs is one of my “happy bobbies”. A small simple calming pleasure I can have to be united with nature….to be united with life.

Enough of my babbling.

It’s so easy to just word vomit my brain out on this thing. 🤣🤣

Thank you for reading!

What are yalls daunting life lessons?

Let’s talk about what we’ve learned and what we do know.