Brain dump #2 – Heartbeat Theory- My reminder of lifes ups and downs

Brain dump time!

This one is gonna be short and sweet.

Ironic considering how vast and complex the actual content is.

If I tried to really get into it, viz. writing down what’s in my head, it would be a jumbled mess.

So! Ima keep it tight and tidy!

*That’s what she said? 😂

*Audible caugh* …..Sorry.

I have a theory, well, it’s not really MY theory. It’s a very popular theory of the ebbs and flows of life.

I like to think that everything moves to a rhythym.

The entire universe has a steady heart beat, and our lives are thread together by a cosmic pulse.

Everything seems to cycle.

It’s important for me to remember this, especially, when I’m going through a hard time.

No matter how hard things may get or seem, I know that better times are due.

This gets me through it.

It’s not just something I tell myself to feel better. I know it to be true. I’ve lived this up and down pattern, and everytime I’m down, I try to take lessons up with me.

The important thing to remember is to enjoy your good times for all they are worth.

Bask in the sun and frolic on top of the hill before you are pushed down it.

Once I figured out this universal pattern, I got into the the terrible habit of dreading the down stroke when I was on the up stroke.

“Yeah, things are good now, but, for how long?”

That’s no way to live.

So, I changed my mind set. I like to think of it this way.

The universe only pushes us down to make us stronger and wiser. Each time standing up a better person.

No use in dreading growth.

Thank you for reading. ❤

Any thoughts?

Defense and Coping Mechanisms in Both Life and Literature.

In the book I’m currently reading, The Revolution of Marina M., the author Janet Fitch implements something I’ve never experienced in a book before.

She switches the point of view from first person, to third person, then back to first person.

The third person POV is only for a couple of chapters, and at first, I found this highly annoying.

Okay…..I was straight up pissed. Ha!

I had just spent a good five hundred pages getting used to Marina telling me her story. I had imagined we were sitting together having tea as she told me of of lust, poetry, deviance and revolution. Then naturally progress into having multiple glasses of vodka as she had me on the edge of my seat with every word….

Then what’s this?!?! Someone else takes over her story?! Nah man…..nah..

However, after just a few pages, I began to appreciate and see the beauty of this change.

More importantly, its significance.

Right before the change in point of view, Marina experiences extreme terror, pain, betrayal ,abuse and loss.

The next chapter after this horrific scene she seeks refuge at a beautiful observatory.

The story is then taken over by Marusya.

The mute and completely dilapidated shell of herself.

She is no longer Marina.

Why would she be Marina?

How could she keep being her?

No….its best to be Marusya…..

Marusya hasn’t been abandoned or abducted, raped or accused.

Marusya was the girl who spoke no words.

Didnt have to speak.

No one knew her here.

She lived a peaceful life.

Helped around the observatory and kept her hands honest in labor.

She holds onto this alter ego, no, more than an alter ego. Her mind holds onto this completely separate existence of herself for as long as it physically can. Until our poor heroine is ripped back into cold reality, away from the stary skies of the observatory.

This extreme display of how her mind had to cope with her pain and defend her last strain of sanity was….well…

Powerful.

And greatly appreciated.

Now, I have never been through anything remotely close to what our brave Russian protagonist has.

Thank God!

*No spoilers as to what happens to her. You have to read it! 😜

No no…by comparison…my life would look like rainbows and lollipops.

However, this intriguing display of escapism and borderline psychosis made me reflect on how my own mind has coped with pain.

Isn’t it funny how coping and defense mechanisms can make things better and worse at the same time. You are protecting your mind the only way you know how, yet, its only because you don’t know how or cant get out of your current situation.

I knew I didn’t want to be where I was.

Didnt want to do what I was doing.

But, I didnt know how to get out.

So I just lied to myself.

Told myself I enjoyed everything.

Told myself I was a different Haley.

I had created another version of myself to cope with my reality.

I couldn’t keep up with how fast things where spinning out of control, and quite honestly, I was too weak and tired to get myself out.

I knew the truth deep down, but lying was easier.

This was just my experience.

I guess I wanted to write about this because I find coping mechanisms and defense mechanisms to be extremely complex.

How do you feel about them?

How did they effect your life?

Are they your bitter tasting memory, or a saving grace?

I’m still confused about how I feel about my sinful alter ego, and how I dealt with her.

I guess in conclusion- it’s all grey.

Fitting really.

I dont believe in a black and white world anyways.

Thank you for reading. ❤

Brain dump #1- Life’s Quirky Glimpse- A reminder to get out of your head.

So.

I’ve decided to introduce “Brain Dumps” into my blog.

These “Brain Dumps” are going to be quick little blurbs that have nothing to do with the books I’m reading.

Just cooky little bits of my brain. 🤪

Here we go.

I love to walk.

Love. Love. Love to walk.

It gives me time to let my mind wonder while moving my body and getting my endorphins up. Fresh air in my lungs, a wee bit of sunshine, Etc.

In fact, I’ve come to my most significant realizations while walking.

Also, bonus perk, it definitely helps with my depression and anxiety.

Are you sold on walking yet? Haha

Ninety percent of the time, you will find we walking a million little circles around my “Tin Can” (which is what I lovingly call my tiny prefab home.)

I usually pound about one-six miles worth of little circles into the ground per evening. The equivalent of anywhere from thirty minutes – two hours worth of pussy footing around. *Does that count as a pun? 🤣

A lot of time spent seeing and being in the same tiny area.

The point?

When I was walking a couple of days ago I saw something that I hadn’t seen in my tiny little marching bubble before.

A WHOLE F*CKING STREET!!!

How, in the holy hell, could I have missed an entire street?

It stopped me in my tracks.

“I’ll be damned”, I thought to myself.

It was kind of camouflaged behind this chicken coop thingy and a dilapidated tear drop trailer, but still, definitely should have noticed that sucker.

What did I think was back there?

For some odd reason I just subconsciously envisioned some big ass field behind the chicken coop….thingy.

Why am I writing about this?

Well, it struck me as an important moment.

A quirky little reminder of an important life lesson I’ve been trying to practice my whole life.

Get Out of Your Head

and

Look Around You.

Now, I’m not trying to contradict myself here. I realize that earlier I had mentioned the bliss of letting my mind wonder, and that this time of reflection has indeed brought me to invaluable realizations.

However, I have the terrible habit of staying there. I constantly stay up in my own head. Walking just lets me do it without distractions, ie..work and stuff.

I constantly frett over the past and future.

Never letting myself be truly present.

Never paying attention to my life around me as its happening in the now.

Never seeing the road right in front of me.

The universe, life itself, gave me a glimpse and a reminder to be mindful.

Life is a constant balancing act, and I want to balance my introspection with my outward mindfulness.

I chose the picture with the turtle because It reminded me of a time life rewarded me for opening my eyes and being present.

I was at the lake with my mom, just blissfully taking in the air and looking at the rocks. Not a thought or care in the world. Then there he was. Cute as can be! I would have passed him up completely if I weren’t just taking in the precious moment.

Thank you for reading my brain dump.

I hope it will remind you to take a deep breath, free yourself from the imprisonment of memories and fears, and look around you.

Take in the moment. ❤

L….is for the way you look at me.

“Love was such a mixture of things, each love with it’s own flavor and spice.”

-The Revolution of Marina M.

-Janet Fitch

This post is about L.O.V.E….

LOVE BABY!

Famously and widely know as one of the most powerful forces and emotions on earth.

I am extremely grateful for the overwhelming abundance of love I have in my life.

Not just in my life presently, but have always had.

However, just like everyone else, love has proven to be a much broader spectrum than I could have ever imagined.

Just like Bubba  from the movie Forest Gump, we can list off all the types of love we can think of:

Friendship love

Lustful love

Selfish love

Unrequanted love

Motherly love

Loyal love

And the list could go on and on.

*Side note– I just realized you could turn this post into a drinking game of how many times I write the word love. I’m not the best writer, so I’m probably going to over use the hell out of it. 😂😂😂

Okay….any who…back on topic.

This post is going to be about a specific type of love.

Self love.

I believe that there is something meaningful to be gained from every human relationship we have, and have had.

That being said…

I’ve been married twice.

I’m twenty nine years old.

*Another side note- I was hoping for three by thirty….but I’ve only been dating my current boyfriend for three weeks….soooo….no dice. 😂

Ugh…I’m so sorry! I’m having a hard time writing this post. I keep getting distracted, my thoughts racing and jumping all over the place. I’ve been working on this post off and on for two days now….

I wonder why that is?

I normally just treat these posts like they were mild PG diary entries, or a place to just brain dump.

I guess this post is a true abstract representation of the subject matter itself.

Hard to pin point.

Just like this post love can be: messy, confusing, all over the place with ups and downs. Endearing and whimsical.

Enough rambling from my crazy ass. Haha

My point is this- both of those marriages lasted about 4 years each.

After each one had ended, I felt a deep depression and mourning for time lost. A horrible self hatred and shame for making such terrible mistakes.

How could I be so weak?

How could I just lose myself like that?

Why couldn’t I see the blatant red flags that we were so obviously not suited for each other?

How could I make the same mistake F@#*ing TWICE!!!!

Well, to anyone who has made it this far, through those marriages- I finally gained self love.

I have finally realized that there are no mistakes as long as you learn from them, and try to be a better person by them. If you do that….then they transform from mistakes to life lessons.

When I read that quote…I immediately thought of my two ex husbands, and then, myself.

“Each love with it’s own flavor and spice”

Because of those two goons I’m stronger, happier, and have gained my self worth.

I look forward to all my future relationships.

I look forward to growing as a person with the help and experiences of the people around me.

I hope to anyone who is reading this….that of all the different types of love out there…you have self love. ❤

Learn to look at yourself in the mirror the way your loved ones look at you.

*Final side note- This picture is of my dog Penelope cuddling up next to me while I’m reading. The picture may not encapsulate self love….but to me….it encapsulates love as a whole.

Thank you for reading.

Oh….what little I know.

“I knew so little about life.”

-The Revolution of Marina M.

-Janet Fitch

So simple.

So…. very …..simple… and yet so powerful of a statement.

I think I read that line ten times over before I could move onto the next one.

Sort of hitting me between the eyes.

Everytime I think I have some sort of footing, a basic understanding of what life means, or simply just what MY life means, I get knocked off my feet.

Oh…..and oh boy …..do I know I’m not the only one!!!

Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined life to be so complex.

I’m not even middle aged yet!!!!

There is so much more of this rollercoaster I get to ride! Well….knock on wood! 🤣

So much I don’t know.

The thought of what else is out there for me and what more I will learn brings about a multitude of feelings.

A perfect storm of both overwhelming and simultaneous fear and excitement.

One emotion being stronger than the other only depending on what day it is and how I’m feeling.

This balance between fear and excitement is a life balance everyone is trying to attain, I feel.

I do not want fear to overpower my life.

I will not let fear overpower my life.

I will try my hardest to not let fear overpower my life. 😂

Life lessons I have learned, and yet, oh…what little I know.

I’ve decided I wanted to use a specific format for my blog posts.

1. Picture

2. Quote

3. Insert random thoughts and writing stuffs.

For this post I didnt know what picture to use. What kind of picture does one use for the menial understanding of life?! Hahaha

So….I went with me holding a frog.

I’m rarely symbolic.

However, it just seems appropriate, right?

A tiny fragile creature being held in the hands of a larger unknown force.

Also, on another note, catching frogs is one of my “happy bobbies”. A small simple calming pleasure I can have to be united with nature….to be united with life.

Enough of my babbling.

It’s so easy to just word vomit my brain out on this thing. 🤣🤣

Thank you for reading!

What are yalls daunting life lessons?

Let’s talk about what we’ve learned and what we do know.

A quote on the importance of slowing down

“A little change is a good thing, Marina,” she said. “But one needs tranquility to absorb it. Too much change and it’s just a hurricane. We don’t have time to make sense of it as we’re tumbling down the street.”

– The Revolution of Marina M

-Janet Fitch

These lines really resonated with me at this point of my life.

I hadn’t realized that I had made the habit of hopping from one whirlwind to the next. Over and over again. Never being content in the stillness. Always feeling an internal stir and anxiety.

My body had kind of forced me to stop.

HALT!

The experience of forced solitude was extremely uncomfortable at first.

Left with no distractions.

No drama

Just my thoughts.

I had to move back home so my parents could take care of me.

It’s been a year now.

A year has passed from my last hurricane.

A year of walking down the road of solitude and stillness.

I think now….I’m finally finding tranquility, and am making sense if my past.

It’s no longer haunting me. Just memories and building blocks of who I am now.

I hope to anyone out there who is drowning in the waves…..please….find your way to stillness.

Dont wait until its forced on you.

Try and find your peace now.

I highly doubt anyone reads this. 🤣

That is 100% okay. It’s more for me than anything else.

However, if anyone wants to share any thoughts on this. Dont hesitate! I’d love for you to share!