Toxicity of People Pleasing

This post is going to be a little raw.

Uncomfortable.

I was reading along in my book, almost done by the way, and I came across a scene that really hit home.

I’ve been struggling all day, debating with myself on whether or not I should even write this post.

However, after a long stroll of contemplation and hauty debate with myself, I decided this topic is important.

So here we are.

I don’t think I’ve been doing this blog long enough for anyone to be reading the books along with me, bbbuuuuttt, if anyone happens to be reading The Revolution of Marina M., then:

*Spoiler Alert.

Our protagonist, Marina, gets thrown into a Bolshevik Cheka camp for women. This is when the Cheka are killing off counterrevolutionaries and suspected bourgeoisie. Everyday the Cheka are calling names and imprisonment IDs by the thousands to be interrogated. Most of the women never come back. After weeks of withering away alongside her fellow persecuted comrades, her name is finally called.

She fatefully ends up being interrogated by an old friend.

A youthful but relentless girl by the name of Varvara.

Though, washed over by an extreme wave of relief, she is not entirely saved.

She takes refuge with her acquainted interrogator.

You find out quickly that Varvara has always loved her in a more intimate nature, than revealed in their youth.

Marina is never forced into anything.

However, she feels obligated to partake in intimate relations with Varvara. After all, she saved her from imprisonment and death! She is not into women herself, but she dismisses this fact. She owes Varvara.

She has already experienced a multitude of abuses at this point. Sex was no longer sacred or beautiful to her anyway. So what does it matter? She is numb to the experience.

I’m not saying I’ve experienced anything like this.

Not even remotely.

However, I have had certain situations happen where I felt obligated to do things I didn’t really want to for the sake of another person. Whether I felt I owed it to them, or I just felt insecure in their relationship to me, or I was haunted by my past discrepancies.

I have learned time and time again that doing things solely for others, things that could be hurtful to you, is NEVER THE ANSWER!

I was a toxic people pleaser for years. Always thinking I was doing the right thing. How could I be wrong if I’m being selfless?

There is a fine but critical line between people pleasing and being selfless.

Being selfless, in my opinion, is wanting to do something solely for someone else, while still keeping your ultimate well being in mind. You feel good about it afterward, while attaining the goal of helping someone.

People pleasing, is doing something for someone else, solely for the sake of pleasing them. Hence the name. No regard to yourself. No introspection. They just have to be happy.

Lemme repeat: PEOPLE PLEASING IS NOT THE ANSWER!

Everytime, and I mean, E-V-E-R-Y-T-I-M-E, I’ve done something I didn’t want to do for the sake of some one else, it blows up in my face. Everyone, and I mean, E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E, ends up hurt in the end.

I like to think of it this way:

You know the ole saying, “You can’t truly love someone else, unless you love yourself first”?

Well, you can’t truly help someone if you hurt yourself along the way.

If anyone out there reading this, is in a “people pleasing” situation, and feels trapped. Please know that you are not alone, and you need to get out of it. Whether you are being pushed into it, or the person you are trying to please doesn’t even know you are hurting, you need to stop. Not only for the sake of yourself, but others.

You have strength, and a heart of gold.

This too shall pass.

Thank you for reading. ❤

P.s. My posts are a little heavy and intense due to the nature of the book I am reading. I plan on picking a much lighter and jovial book next. 😂😂

Fear

“Terror stretches time- all of hell can exist in a moment.”

-The Revolution of Marina M.

-Janet Fitch

I think this line is beautiful.

I’m not sure why.

It’s not about a beautiful thing.

Or a beautiful concept.

Such a poetic way to describe fear.

Fear- such an ugly thing.

In this blog, I write about quotes and lines that take me off guard, grab my attention, make me stop. They always grip me on a personal and relatable level.

This one took my breath.

I’ve gotten into the terrible habit of letting Fear control my life.

I’ve been extremely fortunate to have not had many truly terrifying experiences. However, somewhere, somehow, I let fear creep in little by little through my anxiety and depression. Seeping into my body like a toxic gas leak.

It truly does morph your perception of time and reality as you know it.

I’m trying my hardest to combat my fears.

I hope you are too.

I hope you find healthy outlets to help you cope.

Find something that can turn the ugliness of your life, into something beautiful.

The picture above is a concept piece I made.

I had so much hurt and anxiety built up inside me, fathered by fear.

I angrily jotted down a poem to rid myself of the toxic emotions. As soon as I finished the poem, I decided I wanted to turn my ugliness into beauty.

Regain control and power.

That symbolic transformation birthed the portrait above.

It’s something just for me.

A constant reminder that I have the power to transform.

My foundations may be crude, but the finished product is beautifully me.

Fear to Love.

Terror to Beauty.

Take back your life and your time.

Thank you for reading. ❤

Brain dump #3 – Uncomfortably Lucid: A dream segment.

Dreams have always fascinated me.

You close your eyes, lull off to sleep, but your brain and body are still going a mile a minute healing the days wear and tear.

I always imagined dreaming kind of working like this:

Imagine your thoughts float around your brain like a bunch of dollar bills in a cash wind machine. Similar to the ones on game shows, and your brain is just a miniature version of you frantically trying to catch whatever cash it can. You come out of the wind machine completely out of breath, hair and clothes a mess, with a huge smile on your face and hardly any cash. The meager cash winnings are representative of your dreams. Just your brains random grasps of whatever flies by.

This is just my understanding, But, I’m no scientist. 😂

I would, however, classify myself as an “active” dreamer.

In both the literal and romantic senses.

My nights are filled with elements of sci-fi, action, and bizarre circumstances. Most of the time in a serene deep slumber.

However, every once in a blue moon, I will experience these dreams with an overwhelming lucidity.

A few years ago, I was having stress induced lucid nightmares.

Yeah …..not fun.

It took me awhile to figure out it what was causing it. Although, once I put two and two together, my lucid night terrors stopped.

The power of knowledge, my dear readers, the power of knowledge.

I would experience two different types of lucid dreaming.

1) I genuinely thought I was awake while actually sleeping.

In my dream everything would look and feel the same as it did right before I had closed my eyes. Giving me the illusion as if my eyes where still open.

During these types of dreams I would experience phantom touches and auditory hallucinations. I.e. feeling something brush my hair behind my ear, or hearing a little girl whisper, “Hello, who are you?”.

Of course this scared the ever loving shit out of me and would jolt me awake. Only after being scared awake, would I realize I was dreaming in the first place.

Or maybe It was a ghost? Ha! I’m not against the possibility.

And the answer is: No.

No I could not fall back asleep after that.

Then there was:

2) I would be “awake” in my dream.

The more common type of lucid dreaming, and hence its name. This felt like waking up in a spirit realm, Or, more like an alternate universe? The reason I say that is because I would “wake up” to me being in my room just the way it was before I fell asleep. Except this time, everything was blurry and distorted. It looked like everything was somehow spinning and had a blurry windy effect. Everything the same but not quite right.

I would realize I was dreaming, but not knowing what to do, I would start to panic.

My instinct everytime was to scream myself awake. Of course, no sound would come out. I would then realize that I couldn’t move, sleep paralysis.

Eventually I would scare myself awake.

Now, both of these versions had the same two things in common every time.

1) I always woke up terrified and bewildered.

2) They took place in my room.

The dream was always set to where I fell asleep. Confusing my reality even more.

Who knows, maybe that room was some sort of twilight zone. Ha!

This lasted for about three months. Off and on of course. Not every night for three months. Could you imagine?

Nah….f*ck that.

As I mentioned before, as soon as I realized they where stress induced, they stopped.

Until three nights ago….

This dream was entirely different. This one was a third type of lucid encounter.

3) I “woke up” in my dream, and the setting was not where I fell asleep.

I was vaguely dreaming about walking up hill. It was a dirt road with fields of grain on either side. As I was walking, I suddenly became very lucid. It literally felt like I “woke up” in my dream. Everything still looked vague and out of focus, the only things that where clear where my hands and the road. I immediately felt very uncomfortable and confused.

The other two versions I was lucid the entire time. This felt like: dream state, lucid, then trying to get back to dream state.

What do I do?

I didnt feel scared…..

All I kept thinking was:

“How do I fall back asleep in my dream?”

Then:

“Can I walk around? No. Can I change the scenery? No.”

Then back to:

“HOW THE F*CK DO I FALL BACK ASLEEP?!”

I finally did “fall back asleep” in my dream. I woke up what felt like a few hours later.

In conclusion, though lucid dreaming is fascinating, I find them to be ultimately uncomfortable and scary. Maybe one day I’ll be able to control them better?

Has anyone else had similar experiences?

Thank you for reading. ❤

Defense and Coping Mechanisms in Both Life and Literature.

In the book I’m currently reading, The Revolution of Marina M., the author Janet Fitch implements something I’ve never experienced in a book before.

She switches the point of view from first person, to third person, then back to first person.

The third person POV is only for a couple of chapters, and at first, I found this highly annoying.

Okay…..I was straight up pissed. Ha!

I had just spent a good five hundred pages getting used to Marina telling me her story. I had imagined we were sitting together having tea as she told me of of lust, poetry, deviance and revolution. Then naturally progress into having multiple glasses of vodka as she had me on the edge of my seat with every word….

Then what’s this?!?! Someone else takes over her story?! Nah man…..nah..

However, after just a few pages, I began to appreciate and see the beauty of this change.

More importantly, its significance.

Right before the change in point of view, Marina experiences extreme terror, pain, betrayal ,abuse and loss.

The next chapter after this horrific scene she seeks refuge at a beautiful observatory.

The story is then taken over by Marusya.

The mute and completely dilapidated shell of herself.

She is no longer Marina.

Why would she be Marina?

How could she keep being her?

No….its best to be Marusya…..

Marusya hasn’t been abandoned or abducted, raped or accused.

Marusya was the girl who spoke no words.

Didnt have to speak.

No one knew her here.

She lived a peaceful life.

Helped around the observatory and kept her hands honest in labor.

She holds onto this alter ego, no, more than an alter ego. Her mind holds onto this completely separate existence of herself for as long as it physically can. Until our poor heroine is ripped back into cold reality, away from the stary skies of the observatory.

This extreme display of how her mind had to cope with her pain and defend her last strain of sanity was….well…

Powerful.

And greatly appreciated.

Now, I have never been through anything remotely close to what our brave Russian protagonist has.

Thank God!

*No spoilers as to what happens to her. You have to read it! 😜

No no…by comparison…my life would look like rainbows and lollipops.

However, this intriguing display of escapism and borderline psychosis made me reflect on how my own mind has coped with pain.

Isn’t it funny how coping and defense mechanisms can make things better and worse at the same time. You are protecting your mind the only way you know how, yet, its only because you don’t know how or cant get out of your current situation.

I knew I didn’t want to be where I was.

Didnt want to do what I was doing.

But, I didnt know how to get out.

So I just lied to myself.

Told myself I enjoyed everything.

Told myself I was a different Haley.

I had created another version of myself to cope with my reality.

I couldn’t keep up with how fast things where spinning out of control, and quite honestly, I was too weak and tired to get myself out.

I knew the truth deep down, but lying was easier.

This was just my experience.

I guess I wanted to write about this because I find coping mechanisms and defense mechanisms to be extremely complex.

How do you feel about them?

How did they effect your life?

Are they your bitter tasting memory, or a saving grace?

I’m still confused about how I feel about my sinful alter ego, and how I dealt with her.

I guess in conclusion- it’s all grey.

Fitting really.

I dont believe in a black and white world anyways.

Thank you for reading. ❤

L….is for the way you look at me.

“Love was such a mixture of things, each love with it’s own flavor and spice.”

-The Revolution of Marina M.

-Janet Fitch

This post is about L.O.V.E….

LOVE BABY!

Famously and widely know as one of the most powerful forces and emotions on earth.

I am extremely grateful for the overwhelming abundance of love I have in my life.

Not just in my life presently, but have always had.

However, just like everyone else, love has proven to be a much broader spectrum than I could have ever imagined.

Just like Bubba  from the movie Forest Gump, we can list off all the types of love we can think of:

Friendship love

Lustful love

Selfish love

Unrequanted love

Motherly love

Loyal love

And the list could go on and on.

*Side note– I just realized you could turn this post into a drinking game of how many times I write the word love. I’m not the best writer, so I’m probably going to over use the hell out of it. 😂😂😂

Okay….any who…back on topic.

This post is going to be about a specific type of love.

Self love.

I believe that there is something meaningful to be gained from every human relationship we have, and have had.

That being said…

I’ve been married twice.

I’m twenty nine years old.

*Another side note- I was hoping for three by thirty….but I’ve only been dating my current boyfriend for three weeks….soooo….no dice. 😂

Ugh…I’m so sorry! I’m having a hard time writing this post. I keep getting distracted, my thoughts racing and jumping all over the place. I’ve been working on this post off and on for two days now….

I wonder why that is?

I normally just treat these posts like they were mild PG diary entries, or a place to just brain dump.

I guess this post is a true abstract representation of the subject matter itself.

Hard to pin point.

Just like this post love can be: messy, confusing, all over the place with ups and downs. Endearing and whimsical.

Enough rambling from my crazy ass. Haha

My point is this- both of those marriages lasted about 4 years each.

After each one had ended, I felt a deep depression and mourning for time lost. A horrible self hatred and shame for making such terrible mistakes.

How could I be so weak?

How could I just lose myself like that?

Why couldn’t I see the blatant red flags that we were so obviously not suited for each other?

How could I make the same mistake F@#*ing TWICE!!!!

Well, to anyone who has made it this far, through those marriages- I finally gained self love.

I have finally realized that there are no mistakes as long as you learn from them, and try to be a better person by them. If you do that….then they transform from mistakes to life lessons.

When I read that quote…I immediately thought of my two ex husbands, and then, myself.

“Each love with it’s own flavor and spice”

Because of those two goons I’m stronger, happier, and have gained my self worth.

I look forward to all my future relationships.

I look forward to growing as a person with the help and experiences of the people around me.

I hope to anyone who is reading this….that of all the different types of love out there…you have self love. ❤

Learn to look at yourself in the mirror the way your loved ones look at you.

*Final side note- This picture is of my dog Penelope cuddling up next to me while I’m reading. The picture may not encapsulate self love….but to me….it encapsulates love as a whole.

Thank you for reading.

Oh….what little I know.

“I knew so little about life.”

-The Revolution of Marina M.

-Janet Fitch

So simple.

So…. very …..simple… and yet so powerful of a statement.

I think I read that line ten times over before I could move onto the next one.

Sort of hitting me between the eyes.

Everytime I think I have some sort of footing, a basic understanding of what life means, or simply just what MY life means, I get knocked off my feet.

Oh…..and oh boy …..do I know I’m not the only one!!!

Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined life to be so complex.

I’m not even middle aged yet!!!!

There is so much more of this rollercoaster I get to ride! Well….knock on wood! 🤣

So much I don’t know.

The thought of what else is out there for me and what more I will learn brings about a multitude of feelings.

A perfect storm of both overwhelming and simultaneous fear and excitement.

One emotion being stronger than the other only depending on what day it is and how I’m feeling.

This balance between fear and excitement is a life balance everyone is trying to attain, I feel.

I do not want fear to overpower my life.

I will not let fear overpower my life.

I will try my hardest to not let fear overpower my life. 😂

Life lessons I have learned, and yet, oh…what little I know.

I’ve decided I wanted to use a specific format for my blog posts.

1. Picture

2. Quote

3. Insert random thoughts and writing stuffs.

For this post I didnt know what picture to use. What kind of picture does one use for the menial understanding of life?! Hahaha

So….I went with me holding a frog.

I’m rarely symbolic.

However, it just seems appropriate, right?

A tiny fragile creature being held in the hands of a larger unknown force.

Also, on another note, catching frogs is one of my “happy bobbies”. A small simple calming pleasure I can have to be united with nature….to be united with life.

Enough of my babbling.

It’s so easy to just word vomit my brain out on this thing. 🤣🤣

Thank you for reading!

What are yalls daunting life lessons?

Let’s talk about what we’ve learned and what we do know.

A quote on the importance of slowing down

“A little change is a good thing, Marina,” she said. “But one needs tranquility to absorb it. Too much change and it’s just a hurricane. We don’t have time to make sense of it as we’re tumbling down the street.”

– The Revolution of Marina M

-Janet Fitch

These lines really resonated with me at this point of my life.

I hadn’t realized that I had made the habit of hopping from one whirlwind to the next. Over and over again. Never being content in the stillness. Always feeling an internal stir and anxiety.

My body had kind of forced me to stop.

HALT!

The experience of forced solitude was extremely uncomfortable at first.

Left with no distractions.

No drama

Just my thoughts.

I had to move back home so my parents could take care of me.

It’s been a year now.

A year has passed from my last hurricane.

A year of walking down the road of solitude and stillness.

I think now….I’m finally finding tranquility, and am making sense if my past.

It’s no longer haunting me. Just memories and building blocks of who I am now.

I hope to anyone out there who is drowning in the waves…..please….find your way to stillness.

Dont wait until its forced on you.

Try and find your peace now.

I highly doubt anyone reads this. 🤣

That is 100% okay. It’s more for me than anything else.

However, if anyone wants to share any thoughts on this. Dont hesitate! I’d love for you to share!

My first post! Woot woot!

Welcome to Page Prescription!

Books are the best therapy, and I don’t know about y’all, but ya girl needs a lot of therapy! 😂

I’m starting off this healing journey with:

“The Revolution of Marina M.”

By Janet Fitch

So far so good! I’m only about a quarter of the way through, but, I find the story ironically poetic, or…justly poetic?

Hhhmmmm. I’m not the best at this ya’ll 😂

Annnnnnywho….I picked this book for a few specific reasons.

1) When you are depressed, and/or overly anxious, you are naturally mentally and physically exhausted. Due to this exhaustion, I had taken a year long sabbatical from reading. I figured to get motivated to start reading again I’d pick up something simple and fun. An easy read that would make me swoon and smile. This fits the ticket. Eloquently written with an easy flow to it.

2) I wanted to be able to guarantee that whatever book I picked, it would keep my interest. Really hook me. A strong jumpstart to becoming an avid reader again. This book is a historical fiction written by an established author. Ba-da bing Ba-da boom…..I’m hooked.

3) This is probably the best reason why I picked this book. With all the libraries being shut down due to Covid-19….I wasnt sure where I wanted to get my new read. So what did I do? I went to good ole Walley World…found the $5 book bin, and fished me out a hardcover winner!

BOOM!

I have already found a few lines from this novel that have really touched me. Words that I found both articulate and applicable to my life. Especially at this point in my life, with all of its rough edges and uncertainties.

I look forward to going through Marina’s journey, page by page. Maybe I’ll learn some things about myself alongside her?

I’ll keep you posted. ❤